The D-day has finally come. As I sit in this wi-fi-less airport of San Francisco, waiting for my transfer flight to Boston (I began writing this a few days ago, obviously), the fact that I didn’t buy a return ticket to Seoul or that I will be spending most of the next five years in this land hasn’t truly hit me yet (except the fact that the SFO wi-fi network doesn’t really work…).
After spending the last four months in excitement, boredom, and expectations, the month of August came with a heavy load of dread and concern. Dread for a brand new life in the States, Concern for five years of studies that will probably (and hopefully) be deciding the rest of my career (granted, so far in-existing).
Of course, as anything new I look forward to, I’m scared that (okay, side note as I write this while observing people around me – why are American girls so pretty? Already depressed *sigh*) Boston won’t live up to my hopes and dreams. Something like the near-disaster that was Paris in 2006-2007. What if I had too high expectations? What if running along the Charles River will just tire me to death instead of inspiring me to a life full of health and beautiful sights? What if the classes are not as mind-blowing and challenging as I hope them to be? What if the professors are not impressed by what I can offer?
And then I wonder… what if it is? What if they are? What if it is everything I hope it is?
We often dream about what we desire and what we want to achieve, fearing that we will be disappointed, that we come to spend most of our time trying to reach what we think, deep inside, is somehow unreachable, because it is simply too good to be true. We put the goal on a golden pedestal and we look for ways around it without ever taking what we deserve with our own two hands. And all we are left with is the memory of the great expectations we once had, and the happiness we felt by merely having these hopes, which we made sure stayed in our minds and never materialized.
But do we ever allow ourselves to grasp what is handed to us, without fearing whether our hopes will be thwarted or not? Or do we choose to remain in that state of not knowing because we are scared of what will come next once we step on that pedestal? Perhaps because then, we will be expected to do the best we can, to show our possibilities in concrete results; we won’t be able to hide behind the excuse ‘It’s not what I thought it would be’ anymore, since it would be everything I dreamed of.
Oh, I hope it is.
I hope that I have the courage, this time, to make it really come true and live this new dream, no, this new reality, from that pedestal.