You’re in love. Your heart aches, but in a good way. Like somebody gently squeezed it, just enough to feel that inexplicable shot of electricity that leaves you giddy. You cannot help the corners of your mouth go up in a smile. Sometimes it feels that you could go on all day without eating (but then, in my case, I usually end up being hungry and eating shamelessly). The world around you is rosy. Sometimes, when you think about it very hard, it’s hard to believe that this is all happening to you.
Yet, it IS happening to you. It IS happening to me.
(Oh, and by the way, for those who haven’t noticed, the object of my ‘love’ is NOT a guy. It’s soooo much better – or at least that’s what I tell myself.)
Up until a few days ago, I was scrambling for signs that would tell me I was indeed going to go somewhere and be someone. Everywhere I looked, something was telling me that it was going to be okay. And I’m the type that brushes off and sigh at people when they squeak ‘Oh my god! That’s a good luck sign!’ or ‘That’s definitely a sign that he is interested in me’ or ‘This is it. This is telling me we’re meant to be’. But when you’re desperate, the world is talking to you and you only, and ever since August last year, I’ve been gathering these signs wherever and however I could. They turned stupider and stupider as time went by and I was left alone, stranded in my lonely island of false hope and foolish signs. But now, I can finally share my half-year long state of delusion without looking too desperate.
- I guess the first sign would have to be a sweet belated birthday card (hence August and not July) from a dear friend from grad school. Aware of my ‘failure’ that year, she wrote ‘Unni, I dreamed that you told me, smiling, you got into a school of your choice and were going to the States. Surely, it’s a sign you will succeed this year!’. That was indeed touching, even if she hadn’t really dreamed it. And a definite sign.
- The second sign was also from a very good friend’s dream. Out of the blue, she texted me ‘Seulgie, I dreamed that we went shoe-shopping and you bought two pairs of shoes. ‘Shoe dreams’ are meant to bring good luck! Look it up!’. Of course, I didn’t look it up, and I don’t believe in dreams (except my Mom’s sometimes, because her rate of ‘success’ is pretty uncanny and scary…). But still, it’s the thought that counts. Plus, she is just as skeptic as I am when it comes to ‘believing in signs’. So if she believed in it, who was I not to?
- When I went to register to the gym, I had gone to register for three months only, fully knowing myself. The manager somehow convinced me (again, fully knowing myself, it must have been pretty easy for him to convince me) that I should register for 6 months. It made sense at that time. What, was I going to quit only after three months? No, of course not. Registering for 6 months would be much cheaper than registering for 3 months twice. Think of it as an investment (OK, I can do that…). Then, they added me 2 months ‘free of charge’, which extended my obligation to the gym to the end of August. Well, that would be perfect, since I would probably have to leave in the beginning of September for the new semester. All was well.
- Kurt got accepted at NYADA. Who is Kurt? Well, Kurt Hummel from Glee of course. If he failed the previous year (just like me), and then got into his dream school the next year, well, surely, this was a sign that I too, would be able to reach for my dream a year later. And yes, the tears I shed with him on that episode were for real. Don’t judge me.
- The presidential elections. Yes, I went as far as to assume the fate of this country was somehow linked to the fate of the small, insignificant being I was. What, with Ms. Park being elected as the president, God had to at least get me out of here. If Candidate Moon had been elected, then I would have been sorry not to experience the changes he would have brought to the country. So in God’s great schemes, he was going to make at least one person stay true to her words ‘Well, with her as the leader, I’m getting out of this country!’.
There probably were more, one even less significant than the other, and making even less sense, but I felt foolish jolting them down, even if they were going to be used for a day as today.