I have had lots of diaries/journals (what is the difference?) over the years, it’s one of those things my mother taught me ever since I was a kid as one of the many tools to ‘develop my intellect’, which Asian mothers are so well-known for. But with time, it naturally became a habit of mine, without anyone ‘pressuring’ me to. Although it’s been a while I haven’t kept a regular journal, like I used when I was a teen, I still enjoy the occasional scribbling.
My last journal does have a little bit more sentimental value than others. Sure, my darlin’ little sis gave it to me as ‘one of my’ birthday presents last year, but the main reason is that it has helped me go through what I arrogantly consider as the tough time in the short lifetime that I’ve had so far. I’ve always considered myself somewhat of a ‘strong’ person (not in physical strength, obviously, but you know, the more important ‘inner strength’) and it was quite a nasty surprise to find out that it only took so little to have myself transformed into a nastier person than I would wish to. I realized that while I have had this unhealthy obsession (okay, ‘obsession’ might be too strong of a word) of wanting to be liked by people around me, even those I didn’t fancy too much, I myself, on the other hand, had a hard time liking people. Fortunately, I’ve had this journal to keep my deepest and darkest thoughts (during which journey I realized I had to find some synonyms to the word ‘annoying’). The journal clearly says that its purpose is to ‘vent about why people are like that and why all the stupid things they do are so obvious to me‘, so I felt less bad venting in it. I was merely abiding by the purpose of this journal and its rules. I almost felt bad writing about happy and rosy events, like I was cheating on the journal by being merry and nice to people. And the best thing was, this journal provided me with the comfort of knowing that some of the most renowned and greatest thinkers of history were not too keen on ‘people’ either and shared my point of view.
And since I am so selfless and love sharing things I am keen on with those around me, here are some quotes from this journal, which I am now safely tucking in my drawer full of old journals. Let me tell you, it was hard choosing the ‘most memorable quotes’, because they were all so good and cynical about humanity. One of the toughest choices I’ve had to made in my short lifetime 🙂
1. Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former. – Albert Einstein
2. The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. – G.K. Chesterton
3. It’s too bad that stupidity isn’t painful. – Anton LaVey
4. Common sense is not so common. – Voltaire
One of the quotes I find myself agreeing to and nodding along almost everyday, with all the stupid things going on in this world.
5. The world is a prison in which solitary confinement is preferable. – Karl Kraus
To which I wrote underneath, “AMEN to that!!!” (yes, capital letters included). That’s the day after the night my dad nonchalantly said to me “So, you’re not getting married?”, and I got so mad I literally spent two hours without sleep, tossing in my bed. And then, when I had barely managed to calm down, I find out, the next day, while going to mom’s store to do a five-hour shift, that mom had told dad about the Armani ties Gaeul was buying him for his Christmas present (which I was pitching in as well). After this many years, she still doesn’t get the notion of presents=surprise, and that it’s a big deal to us, and I got really mad at that. I was so angry at that moment that my writing in this entry is practically indecipherable. Granted, in retrospect, maybe it wasn’t something I should have gotten that mad about, but well, that’s the thing about anger, isn’t it? If you could control it, then what would be the point?
6. I love mankind…It’s people I can’t stand! – Charles M. Schulz
7. I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain. – Lily Tomlin
Underneath which I emphatically wrote “Yes Yes Yes”. God knows how much language has helped me in this journal.
8. Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know. – Ernest Hemingway
“Well, well, I must be a genius…” was my comment for this one.
9. Man was made at the end of the week’s work, when God was tired. – Mark Twain
And finally, number 10, which was the final quote of the journal. I thought it was quite a nice ending touch.
I usually enjoy re-reading my journals, but frankly, I was quite scared to do that for this one. Scared of re-discovering my nasty self, or scared of re-feeling what was going through when I was writing the entries, I can’t say for sure. Having recently read the book “Notes from Underground” by Dostoevsky, I feel like if I could add a few philosophical touches, I could publish my own “Notes from Underground – Asian girl version” (random question, should I now call myself ‘woman’ instead of ‘girl’ since I’m, *sigh* bordering on my 30s?).
Anyways, it’s about time I say goodbye to this one (my last entry was a frantic angry rambling once more, written last night between 1:30 and 2:30 am), and say hi to my new diary. This one looks as cute as a cookie (like literally), so I’m hoping I’ll fill it with also joyful things (because, let’s face it, I’m not going to stop hating certain people).