Rediscovering myself

It’s quite hard to be happy for a friend’s good fortune, acknowledged work, adored popularity and even good looks when I too want all these things for myself. I can only hope that the smile on my face and congratulatory remarks are perceived as genuine and that the envy I can feel creeping inside me is actually smaller than I think it is.

Having always assumed I was a competitive person, I don’t know which is harder now: pretending I am not and being nice about all the successes I will never have, or realizing and admitting I am not such a competitive person after all, being ‘vanilla’ about everything. Or worst of all, maybe I’m competitive when it comes to results yet don’t want to be bothered with the little things I have to actually do to achieve those results.

I always keep saying that the more I get to know people, the more of their less positive sides I get to see; I didn’t know the same would apply to myself. The more I get to know myself, I discover sides of me I only thought existed in others and were therefore most definitely disliked by ‘decent people’ such as myself.

Maybe it’s time to work on keeping – or is it developing? – these qualities I have always proudly proclaimed to have.


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